Tom and Jerry's Excellent Adventure
by themanofthepimps
Summary: With all his friends playing Everquest Tom has no partner to play Halo 3 with and must resort to asking his constantly drunk brother to play. Setbacks, betrayals and plenty of swearing ensues as they both attempt to save the world on Legendary.


Ch. 1

Sierra 117

It was a dark and boring night.

Tom picked up the phone and began to dial.

Beep-Bop-Beep- Beep-Bop-Beep-Bop

"Hey Terence wanna play some Halo 3?"

"Naw, I'm on Everquest."

SLAM. Beep-Bop-Beep- Beep-Bop-Beep-Bop

"Yo Joe, wanna kick some Covenant ass?"

"Dude, I'm grinding with my Elf in Everquest right now."

SLAM. Beep-Bop-Beep- Beep-Bop-Beep-Bop

"Daniel, please don't tell me you're playing Everquest."

"Yea I am. You logged on? Let's go do a –"

"Nooooooooooo!"

Tom slammed the phone onto the table for the third time. He laid back on his leather couch and stared at the blank screen of his TV. Tom had gone to Best Buy, purchased the game, and had driven home excitedly. Now he stared gloomily at the ground where the open Halo 3 case lay. He got up and paced around his room.

"Everquest stole all of my friends," he moaned as he kicked a stuffed bear near his door. He was a tall skinny twenty-year-old Caucasian. He had yellow hair, freckles and wore thin-rimmed classes. He went to community college and worked as a supervisor of a car dealership. Tom opened the door and headed downstairs to get a soda. Suddenly the front door slammed and a loud laugh erupted from the kitchen.

"God, Jerry's back," sighed Tom."Probably just got back from the bars, that idiot." And then it hit him.

"Jerry!" he yelled.

"WUT."

"Wanna play Halo 3?"

"NO."

"It's a sick game I promise!"

"NEGATRON MEGATRON."

"I'll buy you a pack of Coors if we beat the first level."

Loud footsteps could be heard as Jerry pounded up the stairs. He was a few inches shorter than Tom and had long dirty blonde hair. He was wearing cargo shirts and a blue T-shirt that read, "Yes I'm drunk but I met your mother." His pale face glowed with redness as he stumbled up the last flight of stairs towards Tom.

"huHhHhh? Y-you're gonna buy me alcohol if I play your stupid game?"

"Yea," said Tom. "And all you have to do is help me beat one level."

"SWEET, GIMME A CONTROLLER NOW!"

"Goddam Jerry keep your voice down or the neighbor is gonna call the cops again."

Jerry sprinted into Tom's room and sat on the couch with his eyes wide open. Tom gingerly sat down next to him and handed him the instruction manual.

"Might wanna read this before you play…"

"INSTRUCTION MANUALS ARE FOR PUSSIES. THE STRONG ADAPT TO THEIR SURROUNDINGS."

"Alright, yeesh." Tom handed him the pink controller.

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME TOM YOU KNOW I DON'T DO THAT GAY SHIT."

With a sigh Tom took the pink controller and gave Jerry the black one. He turned on the 360 as Jerry twiddled with the controller like a nine-year-old kid who had no idea what he was doing. The TV lit up and Tom began to set up cooperative play. Finally after five minutes the game loaded and the first cut scene showed.

…_choose whatever Spartan I wanted. _

"YEAH!" roared Jerry. "CAUSE YOU WANTED SOME DICK IN YO' WORLD."

"Grow up you immature prick," snarled Tom.

Finally the screen split in two as the brothers became their characters. Tom immediately began to follow Sergeant Johnson as Jerry continued to spray the ground with his gun.

"YEA FEEL THE POWER OF MA GUN MOTHER EARTH!" he roared as his character continued to fire his gun.

"Dammit Jerry, stop screwing around and lets go. We're supposed to follow the Sarge!"

Jerry looked over at Tom's screen."Haha, who's that ugly looking squid face that's looking at you?"

"He's the Arbiter. Which is you."

"Hahaha-WHAT THE FUCK WHY AM I THE SQUID-FACED BITCH?"

"Cause you took the second controller from me…"

"GIMME I WANNA BE ChiefY." Jerry snatched the controller from Tom.

"God, maybe this was a mistake..." muttered Tom.

"ALRIGHT LISTEN UP MARINIES," yelled Jerry. "THIS IS THE MASTER OF THE ChiefS SPEAKING. ME AND THE ORBITER ARE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS."

"It's Master Chief and Arbiter," sighed Tom.

"Master of the Chiefs and Orbiter," replied Jerry.

"What the hell is an Orbiter, then huh?"

"A squid-faced looking motherfucker that orbits around moons looking for some fossilized fish."

Tom sighed. The squad began to move through the jungle. As they walked past a river and entered underneath two cliffs a Phantom approached. A marine spoke.

_Sergeant Major, Phantom inbound!_

"LET'S DO THIS." As the Arbiter and the other marines hid under the cliff Master Chief ran through the river and began to fire upon the Covenant craft.

"Stop Jerry, it might see us!" exclaimed Tom. The Arbiter continued to fire upon the craft while Jerry laughed hysterically to himself.

"Damn him," growled Tom as he ran up behind the Master Chief and meelee'd him in the back twice. The Spartan collapsed into the river bed.

"HOW THE HELL DID I DIE?!" roared Jerry as he threw his controller onto the ground.

"You attracted its attention, stupid, so it used its invisible antigravity beam of death thingy to assassinate you."

"It can do that?"

"Yeah."

"What a conniving cunt…"

The group progressed to a pool with a small waterfall gushing from a cliff. They climbed up the rocky walls, and as they reached the top they saw a lone brute standing on another cliff yards away from them. It yelled a command as grunts began to appear over the rocks.

_Spread out you whelps! Find them!_

"TIME TO REGAIN MY HONOR," yelled Jerry as Master Chief leapt down to the river with his assault rifle blazing. Upon landing, he was shot down from plasma shots by a group of grunts.

The Arbiter chucked a grenade at the group of grunts and began to steadily fire at the brute. The brute collapsed from the constant fire and the Arbiter cleaned up the rest of the grunts before moving down to the river.

"How did I die this time?" asked Jerry as he respawned.

"You landed in the river and the grunts killed you."

"What the hell are grunts?"

"Cannon fodder of the Covenant. Basically they are the weakest units of the enemy."

"BITCH." roared Jerry."NO ONE MAKES A FOOL OF JERRY OBRIEN FORD." He grabbed an empty Budweiser and chugged all the contents before burping and resuming the game.

Master Chief ran towards edge of the river just as a Phantom soared in and fired upon him. The craft's guns fired upon the Chief and he died within seconds.

The Arbiter and the marines hid behind the buildings until the Phantom had finished deploying its troops and left. They ran out and the Arbiter threw two grenades into the pool below and fired his carbine at the surviving brute. It howled as its shields broke and crumpled as the marines finished it off. The group jumped down and encountered more Covenant forces.

"How did I die?" asked Jerry as he respawned behind the Arbiter.

Tom was too busy to explain as the covenant began to fire upon them.

"Ship," he muttered.

"FUCKER."

As the UNSC forces blazed their way through the rocky terrain, Master Chief continued to die over and over.

"How did I die?"

"Grenade."

"How did I die?"

"Carbine."

"How did I die?"

"You fell off."

"How did I die?"

"You fell off again."

"BASTARDS."

As they entered a cave a blue image distorted their vision and they began to move in slow motion. A hologram of a blue woman with short hair appeared.

_Could you sacrifice me to complete your mission? Could you watch me die?_

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS BITCH?" said Jerry. "I THINK MA DUDE IS TRIPPIN ON ACID."

"Hm, I'm pretty sure that was Cortana," said Tom. "I read the overview and it seems she was an AI we abandoned to Gravemind in Halo 2."

"What's a Gravemind?"

"It's an accumulated biomass of flood that acts as the brain and centralized intelligence of their species."

"What's a flood?"

"A parasitic organism that consumes other sentient life forms."

"What's a parasitic?"

"Shut the hell up Jerry."

They made their way to a clearing with a stone bridge. A brute stood on the bridge holding a marine with one hand as he interrogated him.

_Tell me its location._

_My ass._

"SON OF A BITCH THAT'S ONE OF MY MEN," bellowed Jerry. Master Chief fired and accidentally killed the marine before the brute had even done anything.

"I WAS TOO LATE," sobbed Jerry. He pressed start and scrolled down.

_Revert to Last Saved_

"Aw HELL no," snarled Tom. The game reloaded and they reappeared from their last checkpoint before the clearing.

"Ok, Jerry don't EVER do that again," Tom said angrily. "We're never gonna get through this game if you keep reverting to our last check points!"

"LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND!" Jerry hiccuped. They made it to the stone bridge and fired upon the same brute. Before they could kill him he threw the marine, who was crushed mercilessly on a rock.

_Revert to Last Saved._

"What the FUCK Jerry?"

They again reached the clearing and fired upon the brute. This time the brute died and the marine jumped to the ground. As he turned needles pierced through him and he exploded in a shower of pink.

_Revert to Last Saved._

"MOTHER FUCK!" roared Tom. As they approached the bridge again the Arbiter threw a plasma grenade onto the brute. As the brute exploded the marine once again landed in front of him. Without hesitation, the Arbiter ran up to the marine and bashed the marine until he fell in a pool of his own blood.

"TOM YOU SON OF A-

"NO YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!," bellowed Tom."If you revert to last saved ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I am going to kill that marine, all the marines that regroup with us, you, and then I'll spend the money that I was gonna use for your beer to buy a big ass gun so I can pop some 9 mm bullets up your ass when you're sleeping. DO I MAKE MYSELF FUCKING CLEAR YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A DRUNK?"

"Uh…yes sir," mumbled Jerry.

"Good," replied Tom. "Let's kick some Covenant ass."

The squad reached a base encampment that stood near a huge lake. A Pelican was being fired upon by Covenant ground forces and the group began to neutralize the threats. Master Chief ran into a rock and got stuck.

"Press jump Jerry."

"Ohhhh…"

As they neared the lake Master Chief ran out and stood over a heavy machine gun. "HOLY SHIT IMA MOW DOWN SOME BITCHES WITH THIS." As he picked it up, a purple beam sliced right through his helmet, instantly killing him.

"FUCKING SNIPER," bellowed Jerry as Master Chief respawned. He ran over to the machine gun before getting sniped again.

The Arbiter aimed at the hills across the lake and fired at the snipers. Master Chief had died three more times before the Arbiter was finally able to clear out all the Jackals. The Spartan ran to the machine gun and picked up it.

"OH YEA ITS TIME," yelled Jerry. He slowly began to clamber towards the structure where the Covenant were. "WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SLOW?"

The two climbed up the structure. As the Arbiter began to clear out the enemies, the Master Chief wildly sprayed his machine gun around.

"YEA GET SOME GET SOME HAD ENOUGH I DUN THINK SO."

"You're still shooting at the ground."

"IT'S RECOIL BITCH."

The Master Chief's continuous gunfire attracted the Covenant and he died within three seconds of stepping out of cover. He respawned and spent half his time looking for the machine gun and the other half dying as soon as he had picked it up. Finally, after much hard work in part from the Arbiter they continued on.

The two slowly began to progress through the level. After another battle they reached a downed Pelican. The Arbiter quickly checked the cargo and picked up a sniper rifle.

"Oh niceeee," Tom said as the Arbiter checked out the scope. "Time for some long range head shots."

"Gimme," whined Jerry.

"No, you can't even aim your assault rifle," Tom said.

As the Arbiter turned around to look for more guns the Master Chief crept up and assassinated him from behind.

"What the hell?!" yelled Tom.

"Oh niceeee," Jerry said as Master Chief held the newly obtained rifle. "TIME TO POP A SUCKA."

"You dumbass. I just found another sniper rifle near a box."

"Oh, this one?" asked Jerry as he walked over the rifle.

"Noooo, I wanted that!"

"Hey," Jerry said happily. "The ammo count went from 12 to 20. WOOT FOR ME."

Master Chief walked behind the Pelican. "I bet there's more super cool guns around here," he said right before the Spartan plummeted off the cliff.

"SHIT I LOST THE SNIPER." yelled Jerry.

"$!*&$!" Tom hissed.

The climbed up the rocky path and encountered another group of grunts. With what was luck, miracles and potentially an accident, Master Chief ran out and melee'd a grunt before it could shoot. Another grunt wailed.

_Noooo, my crooked partner don't die!_

"HOLY SHIT," Jerry exclaimed. "I GOT MY FIRST KILL!"

"Good fucking job," muttered Tom as he cleared out the rest of the enemy forces.

They walked through a vegetated pathway and stopped as the path gave out. An old military base appeared below and cut scene played out. The Arbiter pointed to where Johnson and his men were being taken prisoner.

_See how they treat their prisoners? I will help you spring them._

"COMMENCING OPERATION RESCUE!" yelled Jerry as he jumped down. He was immediately sniped in midair.

"FUCKING SNIPER." he bellowed.

The Arbiter had already jumped down behind him and was shooting at the grunts in a building. As he bashed the last one in the back Master Chief respawned behind him.

"Damn it Tom, why can't you take care of those bird looking freaks?" Jerry said as the Master Chief ran outside and was head shotted again.

"Cause you lost the damn sniper rifle."

"Oh yea…"

Tom contemplated their situation. There were at least three jackal snipers firing at them and he had no rifle with a range long enough to take them out. He was playing at his best and they were still stuck. He looked over at Jerry as he continued to think.

"Jerry I need you to do something important for me."

"YA."

"I need you to keep running out and moving to that building in front of us until you reach it. Even if you die you need to spawn and keep running."

"ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M NOT YOUR BITCH AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT GIVING HEAD I MEAN GETTING HEAD SHOTTED ANYMORE."

"Listen," said Tom as he turned to Jerry. "I'm not going to lie. You've been a liability right from the beginning of the game. I've had to wait for you to spawn, I've lost important weapons and I've had to revert to last saved for stupid reasons. Frankly, I would've gone faster myself."

Jerry bowed his head and was silent.

"But now at this point in the game I need you."

Jerry looked up. An intensity seemed to build within his eyes.

"You are not my bitch. You will be a tank, the shield that protects me as we fulfill our destiny in this game. You will have the hardest job, a daunting task, of facing all the enemy's bullets head on as we slowly move forward. It's not going to be easy. But I have faith in you, brother."

"ALRIGHT," bellowed Jerry. "THE MASTER OF THE CHIEFS SHALL PROTECT THE ORBITER AND HELP RESCUE THE MARINIES."

"Yea," grinned Tom. "Let's do this, Master of the Chiefs."

The Arbiter and Master Chief ran out as the Covenant fired upon them. As the Master Chief collapsed from carbine shots the Arbiter ducked behind some cargo until the Spartan had spawned again. They continued to move forward as the Arbiter continued to rack up kills while the Master Chief continued to rack up deaths. As they entered a storage room a brute wearing a ceremonial head piece and wielding a huge hammer roared. He suddenly glowed white and began to charge at them.

"HOLY SHIT THAT APE SHIT HAS GONE APE SHIT!" screamed Jerry.

The Arbiter fired and the brute began to run towards him. He continued to fire as he ran backwards but the bullets were merely absorbed in the brute's invincible shielding. He backed into a wall just as the brute's invincibility died down. Even as he fired the brute closed the distance between them and lifted the hammer.

"Shit I'm gonna die," thought Tom.

The brute suddenly dropped the hammer and fell forwards. Behind him stood Master Chief.

"OH-"

"Nice Jerry."

"MY-"

"You just saved my life."

"FUCKING GAWD I JUST DOWNED THE KING OF ALL KINGS REJOICE MY ALLIES AS MY IRON FIST SHALL PENETRATE THE SKINS OF ALL WHO OPPOSE ME."

"Ok, now shut the hell up."

Finally, the two reached the prison and released the marine captives. Sergeant Johnson turned to the Master Chief.

_We're even. As long as we're only counting today._

"BITCH PLEASE," yelled Jerry."I JUST DOWNED A MUTHAFUCKIN APE WHILE YOU WERE SITTING IN HERE ALL TIGHT AND PRETTY."

The Master Chief whacked Sergeant Johnson as he turned around.

_Ow, watch it Chief!_

"GOTTA KEEP YOU IN LINE SARGY."

The marines and the two heroes fought the last wave of Covenant and watched as banshees exploded by the arrival of a Pelican. The marines clambered onboard the Pelican and the brothers watched a cut scene as the Pelican flew away.

"Well, thanks for playing with me," said Tom as he put his controller down.

"I DO WHAT I CAN AS A TEAM PLAYER." said Jerry as he dropped his controller and began to air hump from his seat.

"As promised, I'll get you the pack of beer tomorrow when I get off school and work," Tom said as he turned off the Xbox 360.

"So, what time are we playing tomorrow?" asked Jerry as he opened another can of Budweiser.

"What-?"

"You can't save all of humanity unless you have your shield and tank with you dumbass," chuckled Jerry.

Tom turned to him. They stared at each other. Tom smiled.

"8:00 PM. Don't get too drunk."

"I'll try," grinned Jerry.

Jerry got up and swayed to the door. As he closed it he turned back to Tom.

"Good game bro."

Tom smiled.

"Yea," he said. "Good game."


End file.
